ย 5 Ways to Help Your Kid With Mental Toughness
โPerfect littleย Rachelย โ Thatโs how her parents described and introduced their child, a high-school, 2nd baseman. Thatโs pretty high expectations, and I was curious how long they had been calling her that. She was not mentally tough and it had little to do with her.
1. Call them aย competitor:
How do you introduce and describe your kids?ย โThere goes our little winnerโย orย โHere comes Johnny, our star goalie.โย Be careful about using descriptors that emphasize only part of our identity.ย We are not always winners, and we certainly donโt always lose.
BUT, we can compete in everything we do.
We can compete in grades, paying attention, and playing sports. Emphasize that competing means against yourself, not anyone else.
2. Love your partner:
Itโs easier for me to be a good father than a good husband.ย I donโt like that part of me, but I can just love on my kids as much as I want.
With my wife, I have listen, reflect, emphasize, budget, discipline, strategize, and co-parent. Itโs part of being in a relationship, it takes more work. I can’t wait to be patient…
However, the most important relationships take place within the four walls of our home. If we want to help our kid with mental toughness, then we have to work on ourselves as well.
How we interact, show affection, and disagree with our partner, models how our kids will see the outside world. Remember, whatever they see as a child is โnormal,โ ย you get to define it.
3. Allow them to take ownership:
There is a big difference between ownership and buy-in.
Buy-in means its someone elseโs idea. Ownership is more powerful. If competitors take ownership of their game, they will then assume ownership within the team. ย
Before each season, define your role and ask them what feedback they want from youโฆAllow them to pack their own bags, schedule their additional practice and free-time. Basically after the initial conversation, donโt intervene unless their safety or health is concerned.
4. Donโt call, email, or text:
I had an awful bachelor party. I even told my wife how disappointing it was, (it was even in Vegas). She actually emailed the guys in my party after the fact. Ouch, I was embarrassed. The fact was I didn’t communicate well enough before the party…
She fought my own battleโฆThat’s not how we help ourselves or help your kid with mental toughness.ย
Kids develop strength by overcoming the adversity they face. They need to be able to communicate with coach and other players, but if we donโt allow them to use their own voice, then they wonโt face their fear and fear wins.
Most coach-athlete problems are a result of a lack of communication anyway.
5. Donโt talk about other players, coach, or refs: ย
Sports is about winning, but it is also about losing and getting better.
We help build mental toughness and resilience by allowing them to experience the setbacks and the adversity. If we try to remove their ownership by blaming anything else other than their play, then we have actually given them an out, an excuse.
If thereโs an out, they will use it and learn to use it. Bad calls, bad plays, and poor execution happen, but whatโs the lesson when we blame, it wasnโt you, it was something else? Well, when they win, it has to be something else as well, canโt have it both ways.
My great uncle plays cards all the time, he says it in jest, โwhen I win, itโs a game of skill, if I lose, itโs a game of luck.โ
Dr. Rob Bell is a Sport Psychology Coach. DRB & associates coach executives and professional athletes. Some clients have included three different winners on the PGA Tour, Indy Eleven, University of Notre Dame, Marriott, and Walgreens.ย
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